9 january

went to SF to see dr.chan for post-op appointment, he said everything looks good, inside & out. healing is on schedule, the infection in a couple of the "lap sites" has died down. i hope so, had to go on an antibiotic & it made me feel weird for a week, always just on the verge of a headache & queasiness. yet another indication of how sensitive my body is to pharmaceuticals, & a big reason i'm wary of chemotherapy. can't stop thinking "the surgery went so well, he thinks he got it all, the lab reports of other tissues were negative for cancer, so now they want to pump me full of poison!" dr.chan is very insistent on the need for chemo with this cancer ("high grade" is the kicker), threw some statistics at me -- without chemo, 5-year survival rate 60-70%, with chemo, 70-80%. doesn't seem like a lot of difference unless you look at the 60 & then the 80. he also said if i don't do it, & wait for recurrence, then i'll never be rid of it.

dr. john chan

13 january

met with dr.suryadevara, the local oncologist who will be administering the chemo if i decide to do it. she also firmly recommends it, but that's no surprise. any advice from anyone in the conventional medical industry will say the same, it's the accepted approach, i've seen it in the book. she also went into all the possible side effects, that was a deliteful conversation! total hair loss is a given with one of the two chemicals that would be used, then also varying degrees of fatigue, nausea, constipation and/or diarrhea, dry skin, mouth sores, neuropathy in extremities (tingling numbness that sometimes is permanent), etc etc. her language is that chemo is insurance against that one cancerous cell that may have gotten loose, expensive insurance, but worth it.

i'm a little uneasy about working with dr.S, i did not take to her at all, not a warm person, but there are no other choices in the county. met a couple of the nurses, tho, & liked them a lot.

17 january

well, i change my mind a hundred times a day. i'd like to be the kind of person with enuf faith & courage to say no, to seek out some alternative therapies to better my chances of keeping a recurrence at bay. my general health is excellent, & there are resources here for getting that kind of help. BUT on the other hand, i'm not a great risk taker, i do like to have insurance, & conventional medical practice has done a good job so far, i should probly let it take me all the way. i'm seeing my GP next week to talk this thru with her, & i'm considering seeing a psychic. & hoping for a profound dream to point me to my decision!

27 january

i just had quite a weekend! this is a bit of a story, so you may skip to the bottom of this entry if you just want to know the decision.

last saturday i found myself feeling really good, really strong, & really sure i knew what to do, since i could not get comfortable with the idea of using chemotherapy as a "just in case" approach. i spend my life avoiding chemicals whenever possible, i hardly ever take pharmaceuticals of any kind -- because/therefore my body is hypersensitive to them; chemo in this situation seemed to me a betrayal of who i want to be, of how i believe we should be trying to live in the world. dr.copeland had given me the name of a doctor in santa rosa who used to be a regular oncologist until she had an epiphany & decided she couldn't pump people full of poison anymore, & now she has an herbal practice, so i was pretty pleased with that possible path. i felt i had recovered myself, after the surgery 7 weeks ago, was wishing i'd signed on for the redwood curtain live radio show (being performed that very evening), decided to celebrate my resolve by finding a theatre project to get involved with & join the tapdance class after all. whee, downright euphoric. then blood started pouring out of my vagina.

i lay down to see if bleeding would abate, called the office of the gynecologist i had seen last fall, talked to a different doctor in the practice who told me i should go to the emergency room, even if turns out to be just to assure me nothing's wrong. i gave it a few more hours, blood was getting clotty but it kept coming. so about 11pm i called claudia & she picked me up for a trip to the mad river hospital ER. there ensued the nitemare. the ER doctor was nice, he seemed to have the appropriate experience & skills for the job, but the bleeding just wouldn't stop. i lost track of how may speculums (speculi?) went in & out of me, how many times they suctioned blood out; he tried silver nitrate on little sticks, a couple sutures, electrocautery; they gave me pain meds so i guess technically it wasn't torture. at 3am, he called a gynecologist who has a practice close by, dr. puttler, who apparently wasn't actually on call but is "the best gynecologist in the county". he wanted them to try monsel ointment but they couldn't find any in the middle of the nite. so claudia & i both took a nap in the ER, waiting for dr.puttler's visit in the morning. he suctioned again, took a look, inserted monsel on cute little cotton balls, & had me admitted into the hospital.

claudia was finally able to go home, i hope she got some rest. i slept most of sunday, tho was awakened regularly for blood draws & taking of vitals etc; couldn't eat at first 'cos i threwup even the juice, nauseous from the pain meds, but later in the day they brot me broth, juice, jello, a popsickle, the dreaded "clear liquids" diet. monday morning dr.puttler came back to take out the packing, said it was looking OK, bleeding greatly reduced, so i was able to have a real breakfast & go home.

the thing is, on sunday after i told dr.puttler my cancer story so far, his response was "you HAVE to do the chemo. it WILL recur." he was quite definite about it. he's taken me on as a patient, i'll be seeing him next week so he can see how my vaginal cuff wound is healing, & i'll want to hear his stories behind his confidence. but after a couple days of introspection, i've already changed my mind. i think this was the sign i asked for -- to have been so sure i shouldn't do the chemo & be immediately slapped down, put in the hospital to meet him & hear him say that. pretty clear message. OK, i can do that.